Katte Nakou Ze!
I have been pretty anti-social lately, because work has left me exhausted.  What I have been doing to relax is watch anime.  I got PS3 Media Server working on my computer, and have been watching a lot of shows the last few months, and I've been wanting to post something about that, so here you go!
  • Watched all of Digimon Adventure season 1, and rewatched all of Digimon Adventure 02.
    • I had never actually seen all of the first season before; it is now tied with Digimon 02 for me.  I really liked it.
    • Favorite season 1 erabareshi kodomo: KOUSHIROU.  By far.  Though Takeru's adorable...  wai wai
    • Favorite season 1 partner digimon: GOMAMON.  I just really like his personality a lot.
    • Actually learned the names of all the crests and who has each.  I glossed over that aspect in 02 before.
  • Started watching the newest Digimon series, Digmon Xros Wars.
    • What?!  There's a new digimon series?!?!  Yes!!!  It started airing in Japan about 3 months ago.
    • I am liking it, but it is generic in some ways.  Too early to form a complete opinion.
    • I like the new goggleboy, Kudou Taiki.  He has goggles.  Does anything else even MATTER?
  • Got completely hooked on the anime INAZUMA ELEVEN.
    • Summary: Jr. High Boys (and some girls) playing soccer.  With Powered-Up Moves.  And No Respect For Physics.  At All.
    • But it's not really about soccer.  It's about believing in yourself, never giving up, friendship, and teamwork.
    • The main character, Endou, is voiced by the seiyuu who does Naruto.  And Gomamon.  I hope you now have a mental image of Gomamon, wearing a forehead protector, head-butting a soccer ball.  I know I do.  (If this inspires fan art in some way, I may go "squee" inappropriately.)
    • Favorite characters:  KIDOU -- OMG, Cape AND Goggles, and that smirk that says, "I know I can beat you".  And Tachimukai.  And Toramaru.  And MAX.  My God, Max and his damn hat make me squee.  For no good reason.  And Endou, of course.  And I love Fubuki and watching his internal struggle play itself out.  And Fidio makes me smile...  Perhaps there are too many for me to list here.  ^^;
    • When I was in elementary school, I played on an AYSO team for 2 years as a fullback.  Only organized sport I ever did.
    • Somehow, I got kagomechan completely hooked on this show.  I think she's plotting to infect others...
    • dustyjack :  The band that does the OP songs has a nice horn section.  I know you like that sort of thing.  ^_^
  • Just last night, started watching Oofuri (Ookiku Furikabutte).
    • Summary: High school boys playing baseball.
    • Main character is so incredibly MOE.  He cries a lot.  I'm in LOVE...
    • Ssssh.  kagomechan doesn't know I'm cheating on boys-playing-soccer with boys-playing-baseball yet.
  • Started re-watching Kateikyo Hitman Reborn from the beginning.
    • I've gotten to the start of the Varia arc, so I have a long ways to go to catch up.
    • I don't remember exactly how far I got before, but I'm not sure I quite reached the end of Varia.
    • First, OP, "Drawing Days", is one of my favorite OP songs ever.  I loves it to death.
Finally, some important dates:

Tuesday, September 21st:  Season Premiere of GLEE...
Friday, October 15th: How To Train Your Dragon released on DVD and Blu-ray, including new animated short!

And in the "good thing I have a lot of vacation banked, maybe it is time to use it" department:

Tuesday, October 19th: Fallout: New Vegas released.
Tuesday, October 26th: Fable III released.
Tuesday, November 2nd: Gran Turismo 5 released.


(no subject)
I know I've been horribly out of touch this last month, and I have many things I could be reporting about.  Mainly I have been working long hours and not had much time or energy to stay in touch with anyone.

I write today, speaking of being out of touch, because of my Mom, again.Collapse )

(no subject)
Plaque located in SCOTUS building in Washington:

Can we require people pass a civics test before issuing them federal ID, or something?  Pretty please?

anxious, scared
(Sorry for the rambling.  This post is me talking to myself.  If it is tl;dr -- the summary is, "Another of my foundational pedestals has developed a crack, and I feel like throwing up.")

My hovercraft stomach, eet eez f000l ov eeeeeelz.

I am supposed to call my Mom tonight, as I reported in my earlier blog posting.  But I am consumed by anxiety, and I'm contemplating avoiding her again.

But this post isn't really about my Mom.  It is about my Dad, who came down to visit me yesterday.

I had thought that perhaps he and I would end up talking about me and my experiences the last few months, but that didn't really happen.  Instead we just talked about mundane stuff, computers and work.  And then he mentioned that he has been seeing more of my Brother lately.

My Dad and my Brother haven't ever gotten along very well, and most of the disagreements have been about my Brother's life choices.  He is an artist.  He went to La Verne and got an art degree, and has been out of work for over a year.

My Dad said, "He seems perfectly fine that he isn't working.  He's fully adopted the "artist" outlook, that inspiration doesn't happen on a schedule or a budget.  And he seems to have decided that this is just the way it is for him, that he can't hold down a job.  And his wife seems fine with it too, with her earning all the money in the family.  But, the way I was brought up, MY parents and MY brother, would say that having a wife doing all the work and not looking for a steady job makes him a terrible man."

I thought about that, and my response was, "there is NOTHING he can do that would make him that."  After a while, I added that I thought that that outlook -- that there are life-and-death moral implications to WHAT YOU ARE based on something like whether you hold down a steady job, are not just incorrect, but wrong.  Not just wrong, but one of the CAUSES of his anti-authority convictions.

I realized that I have been accepting exactly this viewpoint internally for myself.  That I must be successful at what society and my parents want me to be or I am a terrible person.  That's exactly the voice in my head.  And I have always, ALWAYS ascribed that voice completely to my Mother, being irrational and hysterical and demanding.

But now I'm suspicious, that my Dad is also in my head, and he's the one who I *really* can't let myself disappoint.  It is his approval which I am so totally committed to receiving.  He was my salvation from Mom, and so it is like I struck a deal with the devil.  "I can save you from emotional chaos, but only as long as you meet MY standards."

I am working on a big project at work, that I am behind on, and which MUST be done on time, no matter what.  And I was supposed to work on it this weekend, but these weasels in my stomach just made it impossible.  And I can't stop thinking about the completely shocking, jaw-dropping idea that my Mom is not actually the source of *all* my problems, that I've based my identity around my father's good graces and his protection, and that I am far more alone in the world than I want to admit.

...and exhale.
Mom called me tonight.

Mom: I've been in therapy for a while now and I've reached a point where I need to ask you a question.  You don't have to answer it if you don't want to.
Me: Okay.  What is the question?
Mom: Why do you think we aren't as close as we used to be?
Me: Before I answer that, how far back does that go?  Are you talking about how our relationship has been the last few months?
Mom: No, I'm talking about how our relationship has been the last 20 years.
Me: Well, 20 years ago I was 21 years old, going to college.  That probably had something to do with it.  But the real reason is that I have been terrified of you being upset with me.
Mom: Why?  What do I do that is so terrifying?

...and this led to a long conversation, in which I finally explained to her some of the changes in perspective I have been having the last few months, and that I was trying to find my own self-worth and not let fear of pain and rejection dictate my actions, and so on.  And she was very accepting of my point of view, and didn't get mad or hysterical, and she didn't cry.

We talked about the divorce, and how I experienced it, and how it wasn't fair and it wasn't my fault but I have been convinced all this time that I had to fix it.  And that they had good reasons for getting divorced and that I wouldn't necessarily say that they shouldn't have gotten divorced, and that none of that matters when you're 10 years old.

We talked about how the last few months have included some of the happiest, joyous moments I've had in decades, when I was able to consciously cast aside the fear and walk boldly outside.

We are going to talk again over the weekend.  And for the first time in a very long time, I am looking forward to it.

I haven't been able to spend much time with most of my friends the last two weeks, and AX is coming so I don't expect that will change for a couple more weeks.  But I just wanted to say: I love you guys SO MUCH and there's nothing you can do to change that.  :-p


all quiet on the western front
Finally, after 3 weeks, my Mom called me at work this afternoon.  I did not answer the phone, then fretted for about an hour over whether to call her back now or wait.  In the end I called her to make the anxiety over calling her back go away.

ParaphrasedCollapse )

So, I feel like this call was at least partly a fishing expedition on her part.  She was giving me a chance to apologize for not calling on her birthday.  I think there is a decent chance that within the next 24 hours she will call me back and apply the thumbscrews since I did not do that.

I ended up walking a line between not wanting to be obviously callous or vindictive, and not wanting to let her control me.  It wasn't very satisfying but I think it had the desired effect of maintaining my reserve and keeping the ball in her court.

I. Am. A. Viking.
I have yet to post specifically on my LJ about my rather extreme obsession with the movie "How To Train Your Dragon".  There is a lot I might say about the movie, especially regarding its role in my recent determination to make a change in my life.

However, having just returned from what I believe was the last theatrical showing of the film in San Diego theatres and perhaps nationwide, allow me to provide a list of showings I have attended, and then we'll see how that goes.
  1. 3/27 (Sat) @ 9:25 PM: Mission Valley AMC, $11.50 (2D)
  2. 4/2 (Fri) @ 5:10 PM: Edwards Mira Mesa, $18.50 (IMAX 3D)
  3. 4/8 (Thu) @ 6:35 PM: Mission Valley AMC, $15.50 (3D)
  4. 4/11 (Sun) @ 4:15 PM: Fashion Valley AMC, $11.50 (2D)
  5. 4/12 (Mon) @ 5:25 PM: Mission Valley AMC, $11.50 (2D)
  6. 4/15 (Thu) @ 5:40 PM: Fashion Valley AMC, $11.50 (2D)
  7. 4/18 (Sun) @ 7:10 PM: Irvine Spectrum, $18.50 (IMAX 3D)
  8. 4/22 (Thu) @ 8:45 PM: Edwards Mira Mesa, $18.50 (IMAX 3D)
  9. 4/25 (Sun) @ 12:30 PM: Mission Valley AMC, $9.50 (2D)
  10. 4/28 (Wed) @ 5:35 PM: Mission Valley AMC, $11.50 (2D)
  11. 4/29 (Thu) @ 8:50 PM: Edwards Mira Mesa, $12.00 (2D)
  12. 5/2 (Sun) @ 11:35 AM: La Jolla AMC, $10.00 (3D)
  13. 5/4 (Tue) @ 5:45 PM: Ultra Star Poway, $6.00 (2D)
  14. 5/7 (Fri) @ 11:35 AM: La Jolla AMC, $10.00 (3D)
  15. 5/12 (Wed) @ 7:15 PM: Edwards Mira Mesa, $16.00 (3D)
  16. 5/21 (Fri) @ 11:30 AM: Edwards Mira Mesa, $9.50 (2D)
  17. 6/3 (Thu) @ 5:00 PM: Edwards Mira Mesa, $9.50 (2D)
Total ticket cost: $211.00
Average cost/ticket: $12.41
Length of theatrical release: 10 weeks
Average viewings/week: 1.7

(no subject)
First of all, happy birthday to calintz_san !!  I hope things are going well for you.

Jones has taken to urinating on things.  This morning, while I was out for my walk, he pissed on my dirty clothes on the floor of my closet, which includes the jeans I wore yesterday, which still had my wallet in it.  I've had that wallet for like 10 years, and I am throwing it out, along with everything in there that I don't need or can be replaced easily.

I also have about $70 in cat-piss-currency, though kagomechan made a good suggestion, that I should deposit it in an ATM and withdraw fresh cash.  Money laundering!


So, today is my mother's birthday.  I have not spoken to her since the conversations I have documented in earlier posts.  She has made no attempts to contact me based on my caller id logs.  I suspect she sees her birthday as a a win-win situation for her in this, because if I call her I will have to either apologize or endure more of her wrath, and if I don't call her, she will have an even better reason to punish me.

To be true to myself, I think my choice must be a choice between calling her and having it out with her, or not calling her and having it out with her later.  I ABSOLUTELY refuse to call her and apologize.  I cannot do that without invalidating everything I have gained.  This is perhaps the first real test for me.  It requires me to have faith in something I cannot prove -- that I am AWESOME and it doesn't matter what I do or say, that will not change.

I AM FREE to do what I want and not hope for approval from her.  She might be angry, she might reach out and try to hurt me in various ways, but even if she does those things, all she can do is cause me grief -- she cannot FORCE me to be who she wants me to be, or who she thinks I should be.  And that is how I will BEAT her.

I can survive this.  I will survive this.  I don't need to worry about what will happen.  I can't prevent her from hurting me, one way or another, which means there's no point in trying to prevent it.

anxious, scared
When I got home from work, in the mail was a greeting card from Mom.  The postmark was from May 18th in Santa Clarita, which is about a 30 minute drive from my Mom's house.  So it was written between the two previous conversations I had with her on the phone.

On the front of the card is artwork showing two birds on a branch, with one looking at the other.  The caption above the birds says, "I'm so glad you're my friend ..."

Inside, on the left side, she has written the following words:

"It makes me feel so good to have the emotional support of a sweet son like you.  I'm glad we can be friends!"

On the right side, the printed inscription reads, "The world is a much better place with you in it!".

And beneath that, she has signed it, "Love, Mom".

There is nothing in this card that is suspicious, or unusual, other than the fact that it comes in the middle of this current ... stuff.  And that is why it is creepy.  Did she flip 180 degrees in the last two days?  Or was the card intentionally written to keep me off-balance emotionally?  Neither option is comforting...

However, although it is creepy, I am not terribly upset by it.  A little anxious, perhaps, but I'm still where I was when I left work -- overjoyed that I am not letting her control my emotions.  I am still happy and looking forward to spending time with friends this weekend.


Fuck YES!

Oh.  Oh, wow.  I really have no words to explain this feeling I have right now.  Euphoria, maybe.  Because I have spent the last hour or so stewing over this, trying very hard not to destroy my office, lamenting how the only thing that matters is that I failed to stand up to her after saying all this stuff to myself about being a different person now.  But here's the thing.  It's an hour later.  And I AM OVER IT.  I found that flame inside me again, and once I found it, it came ROARING UP TO MEET ME and I now I am struggling not to sing and dance in my office (which would garner a similarly shocked reaction).

I don't care if she's mad at me.  I didn't stand up to her on the phone.  So what.  I am standing up to her now, buy NOT LETTING HER CONTROL HOW I FEEL.  I refuse.  I don't care.  It doesn't matter how this conversation went, and it doesn't matter how the next one goes.  I don't need to convince her she's wrong, or that I'm right.  I don't have to *prove* to her that she deserves the treatment she gets from me.

If she were not my Mom, I cannot imagine I would choose to spend time with her.  I know I am a good person.  I know she makes me feel bad, but I can stop that feeling and turn it into joy and beauty and strength and all the other wonderful things that are inside me, and come from me, and have nothing to do with her.

The original post is behind the cut...

Fuck.Collapse )


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